Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Animal Kingdom Responds to Immigration Reform

BROWNSVILLE, TEXAS- Following yesterday’s press conference about the Border Security, Economic Opportunity, and Immigration Modernization Act, the Animal Kingdom expressed mixed reactions to the proposed immigration bill.

Some animals said that the immigration reform proposal would benefit the country; others said that the border security measures stipulated by the proposal would harm recent animal immigrants.

“The immigration reform makes it harder for me,” stated a Mexican Spiny-tailed iguana. “I cross the border every day to pick edible fruit in the United States. If they build a wall between the United States and Mexico, I won’t be able to cross like normal. I will have to climb the stupid wall.”

But other members of the lizard community expressed satisfaction with the bill’s border security measures, saying that they would prevent further illegal immigration into the United States.

“I think it is a good idea,” declared a Gila Monster labor leader. “We have to patrol the border with drones and build an electric wall so that no Mexican Spiny-tailed iguanas will come in to take our American Gila Monster jobs.”

The Gila Monster community was more adamant about the bill’s citizenship clause, which states that “some animals are more equal than others”. Many Gila Monsters demanded more stringent citizenship policies to punish the Mexican Spiny-tailed iguanas for having entered the United States illegally.

“They’re Mexican, not American!” exclaimed one Gila Monster, ignoring the fact that his Gila Monster ancestors emigrated from northern Mexico ten years ago.

 Despite some vocal opposition to the citizenship clause, most members of the Animal Kingdom agreed that the bill would fix the sluggish and broken immigration system. The new bill would eliminate the backlog of immigration applications and strengthen the E-Verify employment system, penalizing employers who hire undocumented animals.

“Hey! We’re not like the system!” shouted an unhappy garden snail. “We came here to work and to earn a living for our slug families. We’re not criminals.”

 Like the snail, millions of other animals hope that the immigration reform bill will pass the House and Senate, which are dominated by the Elephants and the Donkeys, respectively. Except for a few Elephants, both groups have publicly endorsed the bill.

“To the people who think that immigration reform is unnecessary, I say: you’re fucking crazy,” stated Senator Dumbo the Elephant in another press conference. “Immigration reform will put some money in our government’s pocket, create new jobs, and put our unemployed drones to work.”

But comments like these were not well received by the monarch butterfly community, which is known to ignore international immigration laws.

“I don’t like the idea that the government will use drones to shoot down our people,” said a worried monarch butterfly. “I know that everyone is happy about legalization and stuff, but you know what? We were here before any Elephants were brought to the continent. We were here before the Donkeys ferried white settlers across the Great Plains and took our nesting places away. We were here before the lizards drove us into nets, ate our children, and destroyed our sacred habitat. We’re the only legal ones! We were here first! We were here first!”

The Border Security, Economic Opportunity, and Immigration Modernization Act is expected to affect at least 56 million monarch butterflies, 11 million spiny-tailed iguanas, 78 million garden snails, and an unspecified number of Mexican coyotes. The House of Representatives will vote on the bill next week.


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