BROWNSVILLE, TEXAS-
Following yesterday’s press conference about the Border Security, Economic
Opportunity, and Immigration Modernization Act, the Animal Kingdom expressed mixed
reactions to the proposed immigration bill.
Some animals said that
the immigration reform proposal would benefit the country; others said that the
border security measures stipulated by the proposal would harm recent animal immigrants.
“The immigration reform
makes it harder for me,” stated a Mexican Spiny-tailed iguana. “I cross the
border every day to pick edible fruit in the United States. If they build a
wall between the United States and Mexico, I won’t be able to cross like
normal. I will have to climb the stupid wall.”
But other members of
the lizard community expressed satisfaction with the bill’s border security
measures, saying that they would prevent further illegal immigration into the
United States.
“I think it is a good
idea,” declared a Gila Monster labor leader. “We have to patrol the border with
drones and build an electric wall so that no Mexican Spiny-tailed iguanas will
come in to take our American Gila Monster jobs.”
The Gila Monster
community was more adamant about the bill’s citizenship clause, which states
that “some animals are more equal than others”. Many Gila Monsters demanded
more stringent citizenship policies to punish the Mexican Spiny-tailed iguanas for
having entered the United States illegally.
“They’re Mexican, not
American!” exclaimed one Gila Monster, ignoring the fact that his Gila Monster ancestors
emigrated from northern Mexico ten years ago.
Despite some vocal opposition to the
citizenship clause, most members of the Animal Kingdom agreed that the bill
would fix the sluggish and broken immigration system. The new bill would
eliminate the backlog of immigration applications and strengthen the E-Verify
employment system, penalizing employers who hire undocumented animals.
“Hey! We’re not like
the system!” shouted an unhappy garden snail. “We came here to work and to earn
a living for our slug families. We’re not criminals.”
Like the snail, millions of other animals hope
that the immigration reform bill will pass the House and Senate, which are
dominated by the Elephants and the Donkeys, respectively. Except for a few Elephants,
both groups have publicly endorsed the bill.
“To the people who
think that immigration reform is unnecessary, I say: you’re fucking crazy,”
stated Senator Dumbo the Elephant in another press conference. “Immigration
reform will put some money in our government’s pocket, create new jobs, and put
our unemployed drones to work.”
But comments like these
were not well received by the monarch butterfly community, which is known to
ignore international immigration laws.
“I don’t like the idea
that the government will use drones to shoot down our people,” said a worried
monarch butterfly. “I know that everyone is happy about legalization and stuff,
but you know what? We were here before any Elephants were brought to the continent.
We were here before the Donkeys ferried white settlers across the Great Plains
and took our nesting places away. We were here before the lizards drove us into
nets, ate our children, and destroyed our sacred habitat. We’re the only legal
ones! We were here first! We were here first!”
The Border Security,
Economic Opportunity, and Immigration Modernization Act is expected to affect
at least 56 million monarch butterflies, 11 million spiny-tailed iguanas, 78
million garden snails, and an unspecified number of Mexican coyotes. The House
of Representatives will vote on the bill next week.
